The town has lost its Christmas spirit and the boys want to do something to bring it back. They decide to make their own little Christmas special, seeing as there are so many others out there already. They also run into Mr. Hankey, who has acquired a wife and kids since the boys saw him last, and they find him living in the sewer.

So that he can attend the “Raging Pussies” concert, Kyle calls the police and accuses his parents of "molestering" him. Soon all the children have called the police on their parents and they are the only ones left populating the town. When a couple breaks down while passing through town they find themselves in a town divided, one side Treasure Cove is controlled by Stan and Kyle, the other “Smiley Town” is controlled by Cartman. Meanwhile, the children’s parents get the help they need to keep them from sexually abusing their children.

The adults are concerned for Cartman's health, so they arrange for him to go to fat camp. Once he's there, he arranges for another kid to stand in for him and sneak food into the camp from the school. At the same time, the kid shows that Cartman has been losing weight, but Kyle gets suspicious, as he knows no one gets skinny as quickly as Cartman seems to have done. Meanwhile, Cartman is found out and banned from the camp. The kid is sent in to replace Kenny in the Krazy Kenny show, as Kenny himself seems to have been arrested for ... indecent behavior with Howard Stern

This is the story of Pip's origin. Pip gets a job at the Havesham Estate where he meets Estella. She only spurns his optimism with insults. When Pip is offered the opportunity to become a gentleman he goes to London only to discover that Miss Havesham plans to break his heart. Her plan is to use Pip's tears to power her Genesis device and will allow her to gain revenge on all men.

The 4th grade is doing their own version of Helen Keller’s story, but when they're told the kindergarteners are putting on a “Thanksgiving extravaganza,” they decide to turn their production into a musical. Timmy is set to star as Helen in the play, but when Timmy's disabled turkey is passed over for a part in the play, Timmy has second thoughts about participating.

Kyle comes to school with his new "Dawson's Creek" Trapper Keeper, and wants to show it off, but Cartman upstages him with his highly sophisticated Trapper Keeper. They are visited by a cyborg from the future who calls himself Bill Cosby, and pretends to be a new fourth grade student. Eventually, he reveals his mission, which is to destroy Cartman's Trapper Keeper, thereby preventing a massive human vs. robot war in the future. Meanwhile, Mr. Garrison has been re-hired to teach Kindergarten, and there is a dispute beetween Ike and Fillmore as to who should be the class president.

With Mr. Garrison missing, and a new school year beginning, it's time to enter the fourth grade. The new teacher is Ms. Choksondik, a woman who actually seems intent on teaching the class. The students miss the third grade already, so they enlist two local college students to build a time machine to take them back. In the present, Ms. Choksondik is becoming increasingly frustrated with her inattentive class, so she hunts down Mr. Garrison to learn how to manage the class. Meanwhile Mr. Garrison is coming to grips wirh his sexuality.

Picking up from the previous episode, Cartman's evangelical mission has grown popular with the children of South Park. He plans to build a new church, and his congregation builds. He gets a call from Kenny, who is actually OK after riding underneath the bus all the way to Mexico. Cartman believes this is a message from Hell, but the real story down there is about Satan's torrid night in Saddam's hotel room. Meanwhile on the surface, more divine counsel is given by Jesus, who appears at Cartman's now-profitable church.

The boys learn about Hell in church (except, of course, for Kyle), and about baptism, making confession, and taking communion to avoid going there. The priest's sermon motivates the boys to take action, and getting their first communion becomes their primary concern. They tell Kyle, who is now afraid that he will go to Hell because he is Jewish. They are also concerned about Timmy, who cannot confess his sins because he can only say his name. They ask the nun if the mentally handicapped go to Hell, but she has to refer to the Pope. The boys learn that the church will be of little help to them and they start evangelizing on the street. Meanwhile in Hell, Satan has moved in with his new lover, Chris, and is having problems with Saddam Hussein. Continued in Episode 411.

Cartman has a dream about being in a successful boy band, so he convinces the other boys to join him, in hopes of making $10,000,000. To be a proper boy band, they need five members, so after auditions, they settle on Wendy, and dress her up as a boy. The band, called "Fingerbang", gets a gig playing at the South Park Mall. Stan's father, however, refuses to allow him to stay in the band.

Chef organizes a protest against the South Park flag, which depicts four white stick figures hanging a black stick figure, and apparently cheering. He sees it as racist, but Jimbo and many others in the town don't want to lose the history that the flag represents. At South Park Elementary, there is a debate over the issue, with Stan and Kyle leading a team for the flag, and Wendy and Cartman leading the opposition. After working together, Wendy finds that she has an attraction to Cartman.

Cartman feels that he cannot relate to the other boys anymore, so he goes on the internet to find more mature friends. Naturally, he attracts a lot of attention in a chat room for men who like young boys. He tries meeting a couple of them, but each new friend ends up getting arrested by the FBI. He goes to Mephesto to create a mature friend for him, but Mephesto instead recommends that he attend his local chapter of NAMBLA. Cartman shows up at a hotel hosting a convention for the North American Man-Boy Love Association, and he is invited to be their poster boy. They plan a party and tell Cartman to invite all his young male friends to join. Meanwhile Kenny has been trying to prevent his parents from having another child.

Cartman feels that he cannot relate to the other boys anymore, so he goes on the internet to find more mature friends. Naturally, he attracts a lot of attention in a chat room for men who like young boys. He tries meeting a couple of them, but each new friend ends up getting arrested by the FBI. He goes to Mephesto to create a mature friend for him, but Mephesto instead recommends that he attend his local chapter of NAMBLA. Cartman shows up at a hotel hosting a convention for the North American Man-Boy Love Association, and he is invited to be their poster boy. They plan a party and tell Cartman to invite all his young male friends to join. Meanwhile Kenny has been trying to prevent his parents from having another child.

The boys attend the last American performance of Cirque du Cheville, and are entranced by the Vladchik Contorting Romanian Quintuplets. They try to make their own version of the circus, but Kenny's vocal limitations keep their vision from being realized. Meanwhile, the quintuplets run away from the tour with their grandmother, who does not want to go back to impoverished Romania. They stay at Stan's house, and after a night of passion between his grandfather and the Romanian grandmother, she dies. The Romanian government tries to get the girls to return in the custody of their estranged father, and Janet Reno sends the national guard in to help retrieve them.

There is a new student in Mr. Garrison's class: Timmy, a retarded boy who is in a wheelchair and can only mutter his name. The school figures this to be Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), so he is prescribed Ritalin and is excused from doing his homework. The other kids catch on, and soon everybody is diagnosed with ADD and on Ritalin. Meanwhile Timmy happens upon a garage band rehearsing, and joins them as their new lead vocalist. They win a local contest, which gets them a gig opening for Phil Collins at a music festival. Collins is opposed to people paying to see Timmy, just to laugh at him, and the rest of Ritalin-addled South Park agrees. Chef takes control of this dire situation.

Cartman throws a rock at Token's head, but instead of detention, he is tried and convicted for a federal hate crime. The other boys need Cartman for ballast in their sled race, so they try to help him escape. When that doesn't work, they give a presentation to the governor that illustrates the hypocrisy of "hate crime" legislation. Meanwhile Cartman Is finding It hard to adapt to life on the inside.

The boys start a small scam where they steal money left by the "tooth fairy" for other children. The operation becomes too conspicuous and unprofitable in South Park, so they try a rich Denver suburb. They find that a powerful syndicate already exists there, run by a kid named Loogie. The boys start working for him, but Cartman wants to make his own big score, without earning for Loogie.