Butters finds out what his father has been up to late at night and when his mother hears, she overreacts by trying to kill her son and then herself back at home. After returning home and forgiving her husband, she realizes what she has done to her son (she doesn’t know she failed) they spin a story to the media to cover their tracks. Meanwhile, Butters obsesses with returning home so that he can join his parents for an anniversary dinner at Bennigan’s.

Cartman comes into possession of a truckload of fetuses that he can’t sell thanks to a recent government ruling on stem cell research. When Kenny is diagnosed with a terminal illness, Stan has trouble dealing with it, but Cartman uses it to lobby Congress to restore stem cell research.

Rich people are moving to "South Park" in droves and the townspeople decide to take a stand. When Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Cartman pick on Token for being the only rich kid in town, Token lures other affluent people like himself to South Park. The townspeople are fed up when all the rich people start moving in, and go to extremes to drive them out..

Kyle’s cousin comes to town and after Kyle sees how stereotypically Jewish his cousin Kyle is, he worries about how Cartman is going to react when he meets him. Meanwhile, Mr. Garrison invents an alternative form of transportation that requires the rider to use more than just their hands and legs to control it.

Once Cartman believes he has seen the funniest thing ever, he regretfully realizes he may never see anything as funny again. As part of an elaborate joke, Cartman manages to get Kenny's school picture plastered all over every "missing child" milk carton in the country. Cartman finds everything about his prank funny until a very strange couple turns up in South Park searching for their lost boy.

Filled with the American spirit and inspired by our President, the children of South Park Elementary have sent their dollars to the children of Afghanistan. When Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman receive a package from the kids they sent the money to, personnel from every government agency descends to investigate. The mysterious contents of the box lead the boys to Afghanistan where Cartman squares off against Osama bin Laden.

The boys get a new video game system and plan to play it for the entire weekend, but their plan is interrupted when they meet Towelie. Towelie is a genetically engineered towel created by the government. When the government finds out the boys know about Towelie, they steal the boy’s game system and oblivious to everything going on around them the boys stop at nothing to get it back.

Discussion of AIDS among the kids alarms the parents, who call the school to get some sex education going on. Mr. Mackey takes the boys into one room, Ms. Choksondik into another, and neither of them does a good job at teaching about sex. The boys and the girls harden their positions until a gender war breaks out. Ms. Choksondik and Mr. Mackey discover love and sex on their own - until an explosion rocks the town. Chef has to intervene and clear things up for the kids.

Cartman inherits one million dollars, which allows him to fulfill the dream of owning his own amusement park that he calls “Cartmanland.” Upon hearing the news of Cartman’s good fortune a hemorrhoid erupts in Kyle’s ass causing him to question the existence of a God who can make someone like Cartman happy.

In the grand tradition of Wham UK, flatulant Canadian superstars, Terrance and Phillip, have broken up over creative differences. The clock is ticking as the boys struggle to reunite the fartastic duo, and recruit them in time for South Park's Earth Day festivities.

Cartman gets pubic hair. But Cartman doesn't get just any pubes; he buys some from one of the older kids at South Park Elementary, Scott Tenorman. Cartman wants to show the other boys that he can be the first kid in the fourth grade with this mark of manliness, until everyone tells him that pubes don't count unless he grows his own. Cartman seeks wicked revenge on Scott Tenorman when he won't give him his money back.

Stan and Kyle are lured into a cult called Blainetology after David Blaine performs some street magic and passes out some information on himself and his cult. Stan snaps out of it and calls upon Jesus to help him out. Jesus in turns calls upon his superfriends, which includes other deities and religious leaders, to help Stan rescue Kyle and to stop Blaine from converting the rest of the US to his cult.

The boys go to their first night as Cub Scouts, where they discover that Big Gay Al is their troop leader. Al is thrown out of the Scouts when it is acknowledged that he is gay, so he files a lawsuit. The boys come to his defense, with the help of the new “handi-capable” kid, Jimmy; however, both Timmy and Jimmy believe that there is only room for one disabled Cub Scout and they start fighting with each other. Meanwhile, Big Gay Al’s replacement as Scout leader seems like he would be more suited to be a member of NAMBLA.

The you-know-what hits the fan a 162 times when the citizens of South Park hear the word "Sh*t" on the popular show, "Cop Drama." Boffo ratings have the executives at HBC plotting further use of the curse word, as the nation is struck by a mysterious plague that unleashes the ancient Knights of Standards and Practices. Only Chef and the boys can save South Park, and the world.